Be Still
by HZRhapsody
Summary: Al's last thoughts walking to the chasm and Tris wondering how to save a life. One-Shot


**Disclaimer: characters belong to Veronica Roth**

* * *

I hold a rope in my left hand, a rope beginning from the minute I stood up with that one thought in the forefront of my mind: make it end.

I hold a rope to lead me back when I can go no more, if I somehow still find a reason to go back. I'm not sure; I'm walking slow and hesitant. My left hand pressed against the walls of the building, an imaginary rope in my right hand to find my way back, if I, if only I, if only I would...

I will not turn back. No. My feet stop moving for a minute, tears filling my eyes. To what would I return? Shame, because that's all I reached here. Failure, how will I ever look in the eyes of my friends -used to be friends- and of my family again? I've betrayed and disappointed them, failed them. That's how it always has been.

So I slowly start moving my feet again. Left right left right. Counting my steps and turns I make with my rope. 87, 88, 89.

I wish I could see someone, because it's now or never. See a person alive, busy living and not wasting it. Because if I could summarize all that has passed I could do it in 2 words: wasted time.

My walking increases, my throat feel like theirs something stuck in it and how much I swallow it won't go away.

All those big events, those lights and and sounds all got out, false promises and expectations died and left nothing but emptiness behind. It was promised though, the prospect of a better life, to live without war, without fights. Why do people insist to hurt each other? We don't even have so long here, why, God, _why _can't we live without taking away the freedom of living from others. No it's never enough, never good enough. You have to fulfill, this is what you're made for.

The door to the training hall by my side, how many memories were made there? Pain pain and even more pain, but still there was also help and support. I remember how happy I felt when Will stood beside like an actual friend, Christina talking to me like I belonged between them, Tris looking at me and simply acknowledging I was there. A simple smile was worth more than all those important gatherings and fancy words. Those little things, they matter. The small signs of acceptation and unity were sources of warmth in those cold dark nights alone.

But I ruined it, I truly did. A sound far too pitched for someone like me comes out of me and I press my hands against my eyes, tears forming underneath them. It's a miracle, a real miracle that I'm standing here. With this name, walking these roads and I look at my large hands with callus that hadn't been there a few months a go. How unlikely it is that I got here, that everything still has a way of working out. I'm breathing I'm blinking I'm moving. A miracle, do I really want to let this all go? I hodl my rope and I think, I hold my rope and I promise myself that in another life I will never waste it and screw it up again.

I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry dad. I wasn't good enough for the faction your were in nor good enough for the faction you admired. I wonder what you would say if you were here. You would say be still, I'm sure of it. But you're not here, I'm all alone and I'm so sorry. Sorry sorry sorry

If only I could have another chance, I'd change it. I really would.

And maybe I will. I stop in my tracks at 98 and hold my breath. I can still go back and try to make it all okay. I will show them who I really am, without any rules and standards to follow first. Show them the real Al and that I would never hurt anyone or anything, I'd show Tris.

I feel the rope that isn't there, but it loosens in my grip. Angrily and sadly I remember that I can never show them the real Al, because the real Al is not enough to live in this world. I can't stand the pressure of this society. In this society you had to be something of what they choose you to be. Either sincere, either friendly. Either selfless, either studious or brave. There's no in between. You _have_ to be one of them you couldn't be honest and friendly at the same time or selfless and curious at the same time. No you had to live up to the society's will. It is expected of you, demanded of you. For a bigger good is all the pressure, but I can't live under all that pressure and simply be what they expect me to be. Not anymore.

Never enough.

I turn a corner, the training hall now left behind me. 105 106 107

Never honest enough in Candor, never brave enough in Dauntless. All because I didn't want to be ruthless. But I tried to change; I did and see where that has got me. I should never have listen to Peter and his talks. I should've done what I thought was right and I would never hurt Tris, but she doesn't understand. No one does. It's always too much, but not enough.

I feel like I'm going to break down, my feet tired of carrying all that weight of me and the walk seems so long, so long. Never looked a road so long and I feel lost, so lost. Is anybody out there? I look around left right but I see nothing in the dark halls and a sob coming from deep inside me escaped. Nothing good ever happened to me that lasted. I wish I had something to hold, that my rope would have something to hold on to from my life but I can't find anything. Maybe death will help and give me something that will last. And make this end, this maze I'm stuck in as if I'm standing in front of a dead end and keep walking in to it. Get me out! Get me out! Help me out! Are a few you of the things that floated through my mind at night. Help me escape out of this body, out of this mind, out of this life.

119 120 121

My rope goes on and on and when I reach the end I hope I'll have something to leave behind. It doesn't feel right to leave without leaving something behind. I had thought about a note or a letter to my parents, but that would only hurt them, maybe scar them. That's not what I'd want to leave behind. That's why it's maybe best if I go before I tell Tris, Will or Christina so I'll be gone before I can do anything worse to them.

I do wonder what they will think when they will find me. What am I talking about? It's too late for me to make things right!

I walk and walk. One foot in front of the other like the way it is to go on. Trying to deep breaths, in and out while I can. How beautiful it is breathing, why would anyone waste it? I'm sorry, so sorry for wasting it. So I say goodbye to everyone I ever knew in my mind, a flash of every place in Candor and Dauntless that I held close, plus the train rides. Farewell my friends, farewell my days. In another life maybe we can make things right and live and do things the right way.

Tears blur my sight but that's not the problem. It is already to dark to make out anything more than outlines of figures and I have my left hand and rope. I should tell them, tell all of them how the happy tales they told us turned out as nightmares.

I feel haunted so haunted and I wan to run away, so I run and run and in my mind there's no escape, no, in my mind images and words keep accusing me and there is no escape they say, no escape but death.

I feel something underneath my hand, a small bump against the wall. An imperfection amongst the perfect wall, but it is there, it is part of it. Oh how I wish I could see someone, someone who would just look at me so I can see their faces and expressions, heir their voices, feel their warmth and see they're alive and living, can you be alive and not living? Because that's how I feel. I'm begging for someone to notice me, it's something I want so dearly, acknowledgment of my existence, of my being there. It's what I wanted for days but ignorance is all I got. I want someone to be aware of me being there so I was part of a life and actually exist.

I don't know if people know the simple art of acknowledging someone, seeing someone and have them looking back at you as prove you're real, so we can breathe all together. The art of surviving adding the art of coexistence.

Another corner and I lost count of my footsteps with all the haunting thoughts going through my mind filling my whole body, from my face to my toes with freezing cold. Nobody comes, nobody shown. A miracle, please a miracle, but I wasted my miracles. I closed my eyes to them before now I am left with tormenting truths. How I wish those dreams and promises were real, that I was real, but this painful world is real.

I wish I could run away from this reality to another, where people are not so mean and empty. From this world filled with fraud people who are not sincere to a world where you can hear a friendly word and a smile that is sincere.

If the way to enter that world is death, and death is nothing but a ticket seller in between I'll go. Death seems peaceful. Like sleeping, only deeper. Maybe I'll finely get the rest I can't have anymore in my sleep. My left hand removed from the walls I feel the short coming of guidance.

The space is silent, empty with only my footsteps echoing through the deserted spaces and my ragged breathing and I see the chasm come in to view and my rope feels short now, I can still go back, I still can, it's not too late yet, but something about the chasm draws me closer and closer.

Why here? Why not somewhere secluded? Why at the most natural and beautiful place of Dauntless? First of all, there's the streaming water soothing, so soothing for the tight knot in my throat and the hard beating of my heart that was beating like it knows it are its last beats so it pumps and gives everything while I make my final steps to the chasm.

A pleasing thought comes to mind as I hear the loud splashes of water crashing down at the bottom down bellow. Would there be a farewell song for ones like me? A song they'd play when they think about the roads I'd taken and the adventures I lived. Do I have music that follows me after every step I take, notes and words telling the story of a heroic Al. Yes, that would be nice. A song about my long journey where I could be the hero and every note every word would tell something else about the life I lived.

My own personal soundtrack which ends at a place that along with it tells about a life poisoned by masked demons. Painful memories washed away by pure beauty, untouched by greedy fingers.

And somehow I sudenly end up with my arms spread. No rope or wall beside me, no that is all left behind and I swear that for a moment I'm actually flying. I close my eyes and laugh, and breathe, and live. The water underneath are the clean oceans and the warm tears on my cheeks the warmth of the sun. Yes! Look at me now everybody! I'm free! If only my parents could see me now! I'm flying, I'm living, I'm free! That's what I want to be, so I open my eyes, lower my arms and reality comes in.

And that reality is that I feel tired, I want this to end, I want to be able to sleep again, enough.

Death is soothing, if death is anything like sleep. Take me away, please, take me far away. Wash away the pain and lies, give me a chance, and forgive me for this life, for the time and for the love I wasted. I'm sorry for the beautiful people I hurt. Please forgive me. I wish to make it up to you, please accept. I must go now, hopefully I will see you again in another light and we can be friends again.

I must go now. The water is almost pulling me. Gravity is playing with me. 'Think about it' it says 'this is your last chance.' I know what I want, I say. 'Then you do your job, and I'll do mine.'

Farewell, until another life maybe. I can't help but let another tear escape, let a sound leave my mouth. Don't forget me I want to scream. Like the Al I really am, please. I want Thinking about the rope I felt behind and then thinking about nothing, nothing, nothing to take the final step...

Then I fall, then it ends.

* * *

How could none of us be prepared for this? We knew, oh how we knew. I heard you cry that night, I heard you cry other nights. I saw you every day. But noticing is tough, understanding is painful.

Be still, I wish I had said that those times. Just to offer some sort of comfort. Hold on now, and it will be alright. Because now I don't know what to do, I don't know what any of us and your parents will do.

If I knew you'd go so far as killing yourself, maybe things would be different. I would've maybe said something to you. I feel like I should have known, like I should have said something. How was I supposed to prevent you from doing it? But is there a point in asking you how I could've saved your life?

Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. How can you save a life Al? I wish I could ask you, but I can't now can I?

You're selfish, you know that Al? Because you thought you'd die alone, but guess what Al,

You think you die alone, but you never die alone.

Is there a saving, was there ever a saving. A life is precious, so precious, so tell me how can you waste it? You were given a chance Al, why?

Not only accusing you Al, you were a good guy, such a sweet guy you were. Never wanting to hurt anyone. That's something I can never forget. That's why I was so shocked when I realized it was you who would be pushing me and then I'd be laying there, dead.

What must've terrorized you in your sleep the nights you cried alone I can't even imagine. I actually never saw you look at yourself ever again since that time, not even at your reflection in your spoon when you were sitting all alone. What made you so desperate Al? So desperate that you could kill yourself to get away from it?

Did you forget that when you would leave there would be space left empty forever? That space was filled with something only you could fill, there will only ever be one Al like you. And now you're gone.

Then there's Eric, that filthy man taking your choice as example for bravery. That is not bravery Al, I'm sorry my friend. It is not and it makes me sad that you could think it is. I still thought you were brave when you fought the shadow away at night, crying and afraid you were. And never so brave. You could've done so much more. But this, now Eric says it's heroic. How I hate that guy and his opinions.

That's the thing I noticed. That people are so arrogant, thinking everything turns around their wishes. Don't be so blind, we're part of something and dependent of it Al how could you've missed that? Were you just as them too blinded by arrogance and pedantry? Bossing over our world is so ironic I want to laugh and push Eric and Peter so they can follow you. Bossing is so unfitting for us. The thing that fits us most is living and being humanly.

What strikes me though is the termination of it. Living like this life will last forever, but you just made it clear that one day we will all be asleep the same way you are.

Maybe we will meet again then, maybe not

You were here yesterday and now you're gone. You lived in this world and you left it behind.

You don't only live in this world, you pass the world.

Now it's time to say goodbye Al, I can't even see you anymore, but I'll remember you.

Goodbye Al, I'm glad I knew you and I hope you'll find your place wherever you are now, and that you're happier there than you are here.

Farewell Al.


End file.
